The Ivanova Show: Who Drank My Coffee?
by Whitestargirl
Summary: The station runs out of coffee causing Ivanova and Lochley to work together to find some--with humorous consequences.


Disclaimer: I own nothing whatsoever—so don't sue! All of the awesome characters in this story belong to JMS, Babylonian Productions, Warner Brothers, and everyone else who was lucky enough to be involved in the production of the coolest show ever.  
  
A/N: This is an attempt to write a fic that doesn't end up as an Ivanova/Marcus story. I happen to love that type of story, but my friends bet me that I couldn't write a fic that didn't end up as one. They didn't say that I couldn't have him in the story, so he's thrown in there as Director Cole. I don't know why he's the director, but he refused to stay out of the story. Enough with the boring author's note, on with the show. Action!  
  
The Ivanova Show:  
  
Who Drank My Coffee?  
  
Announcer: "Hello and welcome to the Ivanova Show. Today you will see Ivanova lose her temper and kick somebody's ass--"  
  
Ivanova: (stalks across the room and grabs the mike) "What is this crap? I said I wanted this show to be interesting! (turns to the announcer) "You're fired."  
  
Cameraman: "But who will announce?"  
  
Ivanova: "I don't need an announcer. I'll do it myself. The whole introduction is stupid anyway.  
  
Cameraman: "But Captain Ivanova—"  
  
Ivanova: (glares at the man until he stops talking) "That's more than enough from you. If you want to keep your job, you'll learn when to keep your mouth shut."  
  
Camera man: (nods) "Yes, sir."  
  
Ivanova: "Better—and don't let me ever catch you calling me 'sir' again. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"  
  
Cameraman: (nods timidly) "Yes sir—I mean Captain."  
  
Ivanova: (glares at him)  
  
Cameraman: "Please don't kill me." (Gets down on his knees and begins reciting the Babylon 5 mantra)  
  
Ivanova: "If you stop babbling there is a slim chance that you might live to see tomorrow."  
  
Cameraman: (stands up) "Ye-ye-yes, sir—captain."  
  
Ivanova: (sighs) "Civilians…. On with the show."  
  
Director (who just happens to sound an awful lot like Marcus Cole (A/N: I told you I couldn't keep him out of the story!)): "Now it's time for the duel between the captains."  
  
Ivanova: (rolls her eyes) "Who comes up with this stuff? Never mind, I don't want to know."  
  
Lochley: (walks onto stage) "Captain Ivanova, why are you on my station? And why wasn't I informed? Lieutenant Corwin!"  
  
Corwin (offstage): "Sorry, Captain!"  
  
Lochley: "It better not happen again, Lieutenant. I don't like being caught off guard."  
  
Ivanova: "When I was stationed here I knew everything that went on. No one caught me by surprise."  
  
Lochley: "Well, the station's changed. It's busier now."  
  
Ivanova: "Busier? When I was here we fought two wars and ran an active diplomatic council."  
  
Lochley: "Well the station's mine now, and with the exception of this incident, I am very well informed."  
  
Ivanova: "Fine…. What ship is currently docked in docking bay 13?"  
  
Lochley: "There no ship in docking bay 13—that was where the Vorlon ship docked. After the Shadow War, the docking bay has remained empty since no one else wanted to use it."  
  
Ivanova: "Good."  
  
Lochley: "That was a trick question."  
  
Ivanova: "Really? You never said I couldn't ask trick questions."  
  
Lochley: "Well I have a few questions for you."  
  
Ivanova: "Shoot—it's a waste of time, though. I know everything about this station."  
  
Lochley: "What's the oldest part of the station?"  
  
Ivanova: "The cargo stabilizer."  
  
Lochley: "Damn."  
  
Ivanova: "My turn. What was the rating of the second telepath stationed here?"  
  
Lochley: "P5."  
  
Ivanova: (nods) "You pass the test. You are now officially capable of commanding Babylon 5."  
  
Lochley: "I already knew that."  
  
Ivanova: "So did I."  
  
Lochley: "Then why did we waste time with it?"  
  
Ivanova: "He" (jerks a thumb at the director) "told me to."  
  
Director Cole: "Hello, Susan."  
  
Ivanova: "No! The First One in charge of this show said that it wasn't allowed to be an Ivanova/Marcus story, remember?"  
  
Director Cole: "Who cares what the First Ones want? We're all entitled to our own opinions, Susan."  
  
First One: "Individual opinions tavunta chog."  
  
Ivanova: "Shut up." (turns back to Lochley)  
  
Lochley: "Whatever."  
  
Ivanova: "I like you—you remind me of me."  
  
Lochley: "I suppose that's supposed to be a compliment?" (laughs) "Yes, it's very refreshing to talk with someone sensible for a change."  
  
Corwin: "Hey!"  
  
Lochley and Ivanova: "Shut up, Lieutenant."  
  
Ivanova: "Why don't we go have some coffee. You do like coffee, right?"  
  
Corwin: "No, sir. Not really."  
  
Ivanova: "I wasn't talking to you, Lieutenant. And DON'T CALL ME SIR!"  
  
Lochley: "Of course I like coffee. Who doesn't like coffee?"  
  
Corwin: "I don't!"  
  
Ivanova: "You've established that fact, Lieutenant."  
  
Lochley: "Aren't you supposed to be watching the jumpgate?"  
  
Corwin: "Sorry, sir. I'll get right to it."  
  
Lochley: "You'd better—and I'm not a 'sir' either!"  
  
Ivanova: "So I'm not the only one they do that to. It's annoying, isn't it?"  
  
Lochley: "Definitely. Let's get that coffee."  
  
Director Cole: "What happened? You two were supposed to despise each other."  
  
Ivanova: "We don't."  
  
Lochley: We have too much in common  
  
Ivanova: "And besides, it's more fun to argue with people like you and certain lieutenants who aren't doing their jobs."  
  
Director Cole and Corwin: "Sorry, sirs."  
  
Ivanova and Lochley: "ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN 'SIRS' ALREADY!"  
  
Director Cole and Corwin: "Sorry si—captains. Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And, if I ever mess up, Ivanova will personally rip my lungs out. Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And, if I ever mess up, Ivanova will personally rip my lungs out. Ivanova is…"  
  
Lochley: "Hey, what about me?"  
  
Director Cole and Corwin: "Ivanova and Lochley are always right. I will listen to Ivanova and Lochley. I will not ignore Ivanova and Lochley's recommendations. Ivanova and Lochley are Gods. And, if I ever mess up, Ivanova and Lochley will personally rip my lungs out. Is that better, sir?"  
  
  
  
Ivanova and Lochley: "Ugh."  
  
Lochley: "I give up. I'm getting coffee."  
  
Ivanova: "I never give up when I'm right. I'm taking a break in my efforts while I wait for those two to accumulate a modicum of intelligence."  
  
Lochley: "Since that will never happen it's the same thing."  
  
Ivanova: (shakes head) "No, not at all."  
  
Lochley: "Huh?"  
  
Ivanova: "It's a Russian thing."  
  
Lochley: (nods) "Whatever."  
  
Ivanova: "Let's just get coffee."  
  
  
  
Later in Earhart's:  
  
Waiter: "What would you two like today?"  
  
Ivanova: "Coffee."  
  
Lochley: "Coffee."  
  
Waiter: (stands there fiddling with his notebook)  
  
Ivanova: "What?"  
  
Waiter: "Um, well."  
  
Lochley: "Is there a problem?"  
  
Waiter: (nods) "You could say that. We, uh, well, um, we, um, we're, uh—"  
  
Ivanova: "Tell us the problem already."  
  
Waiter: "Yes, sir."  
  
Ivanova and Lochley: (exchange annoyed glances)  
  
Waiter: "We're out of coffee."  
  
Ivanova: "WHAT DID YOU SAY? I LEAVE FOR ONE YEAR AND YOU RUN OUT OF COFFEE?"  
  
Waiter: (nods meekly)  
  
Lochley: "Then you do have a problem because we want our coffee—and we want it now."  
  
Waiter: "But sir, we're out of coffee."  
  
Lochley: "Well," (pretends to pause to consider the waiter's request) GET SOME!"  
  
Ivanova: "NOW!"  
  
Waiter: "Yes, sir." (runs away)  
  
Lochley: "He's not coming back, you know. He's probably halfway to the jumpgate by now."  
  
Ivanova: (nods)  
  
Lochley: "Then how the hell are we going to get our coffee?"  
  
Ivanova: "Zack normally has coffee. We can drink his."  
  
Lochley: "Let's go."  
  
  
  
Later outside Zack's quarters:  
  
Lochley: "Security override. Captain Elizabeth Lochley." (door swings open)  
  
Ivanova: (pushes door aside) "Let's get that coffee." (walks in)  
  
The two Captains spend several minutes rummaging through Zack's cabinets.  
  
Lochley: "Alright, Captain—"  
  
Ivanova: "Susan. Now that we're partners in crime, you should refer to me by my first name."  
  
Lochley: "On one condition."  
  
Ivanova: "And that condition is?"  
  
Lochley: "You call me Elizabeth."  
  
Ivanova: "Done. So—Elizabeth—what were you going to ask me?"  
  
Lochley: (motions around Zack's somewhat unkempt quarters) "Where exactly does he keep the coffee?"  
  
Ivanova: "How would I know? It's not like these are my quarters. My quarters have a decidedly more sophisticated look."  
  
Lochley: "You mean somber."  
  
Ivanova: "Hey, what's wrong with that?"  
  
Lochley: "Nothing really."  
  
The two search in silence for a few more minutes.  
  
Lochley: "Where's the damn coffee? I swear, we should have designated storing places for coffee."  
  
Ivanova: "Hey, it's you station. When it was my station I always had coffee."  
  
Lochley: "How'd you pull that off?"  
  
Ivanova: "As the hard-working, dedicated second-in-command of the station, I felt that I was entitled to a little patch of the hydroponics garden."  
  
Lochley: "You grew coffee. And people tell me I'm coffee-dependent."  
  
Ivanova: (shrugs) "Where the hell is it?" (whacks at the back wall of one of the cabinets)  
  
A piece of wood falls off revealing the security chief's secret stash of coffee—unfortunately for the two coffee-dependent captains (yes, Lochley, you are coffee-dependent) this sets of Zack's anti-coffee-thief system.  
  
Computer: "Warning. The contents of this cabinet belong to Zack Allan—not Captain Ivanova…"  
  
Ivanova: "How'd he know it was me?"  
  
Lochley: "You grew coffee in the hydroponics garden, of course he knew it was you."  
  
Computer: "…any attempt to remove and/or consume the contents of this cabinet will result in—"  
  
During the middle of the computer's rant and Ivanova and Lochley's argument, Zack walks in the open door.  
  
Zack: "What the hell are you two doing in my quarters?"  
  
Ivanova: "We are conducting a routine inspection."  
  
Lochley: "Yes. The new EarthForce policy is that all personnel quarters be searched monthly."  
  
Zack: "This might sound like a stupid question, but WHY?"  
  
Ivanova: "In order to confirm that the EarthForce officer is not acting outside the law."  
  
Zack: (suddenly looks nervous)  
  
Lochley: "Is there something wrong, Mr. Allan?"  
  
Zack: Why would there be anything wrong?"  
  
Ivanova: "You're lying, Mr. Allan."  
  
Zack: "Fine, well—I've been selling dolls."  
  
Lochley: "Dolls. Since when are dolls unlawful?"  
  
Zack: "Well—"  
  
Ivanova: "These dolls aren't in any way related to the dolls that were sold in the Babylon 5 Emporium before it was shut down, are they, Mr. Allan?"  
  
Zack: "No, not really. I just bought them from the same manufacturer."  
  
Lochley: "Since you were so worried about us discovering them, why don't you just show us the dolls and get it over with?"  
  
Zack: (glances at Ivanova and Lochley) "Alright."  
  
Zack leaves the room for a few minutes to get the dolls.  
  
Lochley: (whispers) "Good thinking back there. We nearly got our asses kicked form here to Z'ha'dum."  
  
Ivanova: "You too." (shuts up as Zack returns carrying something behind his back)  
  
Lochley: "Let's see them."  
  
Zack: (reluctantly pulls the dolls out from behind his back)  
  
To the captains' horror, Zack is holding a coffee drinking, denn'bok waving, Ivanova doll in his right hand and a coffee drinking, love bat twirling Lochley doll in his left hand. Both of the dolls are still packaged.  
  
Ivanova: "Wait a minute—what does that caption say?" (grabs Ivanova doll from Zack) "Susan Ivanova-COLE?!?!? Did you order these custom made, Mr. Allan?"  
  
Zack: (starts looking very nervous) "Actually, yes. I always thought that you and Marcus would have made a good couple."  
  
Lochley: "Wait a minute—who's this Marcus guy?"  
  
Ivanova: "A ranger who was stationed on B5 from 2260 until his—his death in late 2261. He was a great guy—and I treated him like dirt."  
  
Director Cole: "Thank you, Susan!"  
  
First One: "Does nobody listen to what I say?"  
  
Everyone else: (nods)  
  
First One: "This is NOT an Ivanova/Marcus fic! End of sappy scene. And Zack, I thought I told you to get rid of those stupid dolls!"  
  
Zack: "I think they're nice dolls. And I made a lot of money off them."  
  
Ivanova: "You made money off these? Who bought them?"  
  
Director Cole: "I have an Ivanova doll, Susan."  
  
Ivanova: "My point exactly."  
  
Ivanova and Director Cole get into one of their famous squabbles. Everyone else stands and watches.  
  
First One: "Enough! Silence! This is my story and it's going to go the way I want it to go. Zack, arrest Ivanova and Lochley."  
  
Zack: "Sure…Um, why?"  
  
First One: "They broke into your quarters, you dunce!"  
  
Zack: "Good point. Ladies, come with me."  
  
Ivanova: "You're actually listening to them?"  
  
Zack: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say from this point forward can and will be used against you in court."  
  
Ivanova: "Court? What court? Why are we going to court? We were only going to take a bit of your coffee, (glares at Lochley) which we wouldn't have had to do if the station hadn't run out of it!"  
  
Lochley: "Hey, I told you, it's not my fault. And it was your idea to steal his coffee."  
  
Ivanova: "Wait a minute. Why are we arguing with each other, we should be yelling at him."  
  
The captains had been so involved in their argument that they hadn't released that Zack was now locking them up in the brig.  
  
Lochley: "Mr. Allan, I'll let you know that once we get out of here, you're getting a demotion."  
  
Zack: "But who will be your head of security?"  
  
Number One: (steps out of the shadows behind Zack) "I will."  
  
Director Cole: "Hey, she's not in the script."  
  
Number One: "I am now."  
  
Director Cole: "Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  
  
Ivanova: "Marcus, we all love and adore you—"  
  
Number One: (mutters to Lochley) "Especially Susan."  
  
Lochley: (laughs)  
  
Ivanova: (glares at Number One and Lochley) "—but would you please just shut up?"  
  
Marcus: "That's so unentertaining, but since you asked, Susan."  
  
Ivanova: "Whatever."  
  
Zack: (who strangely appears unmoved by the sudden appearance of Number One and the discussion with Marcus) "You are each entitled to an attorney."  
  
Lochley: "I cannot believe that you're actually pressing charges."  
  
Zack: "Do you know how much work it took to get that coffee? I had to sneak out to the hydroponics bay at three A.M in the morning."  
  
Ivanova: "So you were the one who stole my coffee supply. It's your fault that we're out of coffee on this station."  
  
Number One: "It's you fault? How dare you deprive me of my coffee?"  
  
Zack falls to the floor unconscious as Number One (apparently yet another coffee-addict) punches him.  
  
Ivanova: "Thank you, he was beginning to annoy me."  
  
Lochley: "Beginning to?"  
  
Ivanova: "Will you let us out?"  
  
Number One: "Only if you allow me to share Zack's coffee with you."  
  
Ivanova and Lochley: "It's a deal—just let us out."  
  
Director Cole: "Alright, it's a wrap. Good work everyone."  
  
Ivanova: (looks at Zack) "Everyone?"  
  
Director Cole: "Well, almost everyone."  
  
THE END 


End file.
